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Opining of a Cranky Old Man
How Seniors Can Cut Back on Expenses in
Current Economy Can Get a Little Ridiculous
To conserve water how about just using the neighbor’s
bathroom?
By Bill Kalmar, Retiree
 July
21, 2010 - The current economic uncertainty has many of us seeking ways
to cut back on expenses and streamline our lifestyle. Using grocery
discount coupons or looking for those “buy one - get one free” meal
tickets have become commonplace. Restaurants have recognized the
changes in dining habits and have established reduced pricing on various
menu items. And those of us who are seniors can always take advantage
of special buying days for us oldsters such as 15% off on purchases on
Wednesday at Kohls Department store.
The latest issue of AARP Bulletin lists “99
Great Ways To Save” which, even though the publication is for
seniors, many of the suggestions are applicable to all. Now I have to
admit that many of the ideas are laughable but I say that from my
politically incorrect, sarcastic, bombastic approach to life. As such,
permit me to list just some of the “great ways to save,” while I add my
editorial comments:
● Lower your thermostat – I think we can
agree on this but the suggestion goes to state that we should “place
pans of water near heating outlets” since the air will retain heat
better. My question is – how do we convince Rover that each room has
not become his personal oasis? And tripping over the pans in the middle
of the night will make for an awakening experience!
● Save on a flush – place bottles of water
in the toilet tank to offset the amount of liquid when flushing. Wonder
if this is really a good use of my Perrier! To conserve water how about
just using the neighbor’s bathroom?
● Get a rain barrel – use this to water
your lawn or wash your car. Maybe this is the water I should use in my
commode tank. Transporting the barrel into my home though could be a
problem.
● Get group airfares – travel with a group
of ten or more and the airlines will grant a travel discount. Sometimes
traveling with that many family members can be brutal so how about just
rounding up ten strangers at the airport. That way if you have a
disagreement during the flight, you will never see them again anyway!
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● Shower quickly and save – fifteen minute
showers are out since on average it will cost you $310 a year in water
usage. Save $100 by taking five-minute showers. But if I use rainwater
and shower with my new ten friends from the airport I can save much more
money since I can charge them a fee and frankly the whole experience
will provide much more fun! Everyone has to bring his or her own rubber
ducky though!
● Rent that extra room – and AARP suggests
that renting out your garage for $150 a month will increase your cash
flow. Only wish I had been made aware of this when my brother-in-law
visited last month!
● Get dental work from supervised students at
dental school – sure! While growing up, I remember getting haircuts
from trainees at Tonsorial School for .25 cents. I still have the
scars on my ears! I can grow new hair but not new teeth. I think I will
pass on this idea!
● Bring your own drugs to the hospital for
your operation – that assumes that you have a planned operation.
But what about unexpected rushes to the emergency room? Guess I should
always carry a supply of drugs in my man purse for just such an
occurrence. I’m sure when I’m stopped by the police they will
understand! And understandably, most hospitals frown on this practice.
How else would they be able to charge $5 for each aspirin!
● Free treatment is available if you qualify
for a medical study – this is a wonderful way to have your anal
leakage or diaper rash treated – maladies us seniors have a market on!
● Try haggling over the price of a hearing aid
– chances are you won’t be able to hear the sales pitch of the rep
anyway so just use your index finger to communicate!
● Only wear pantyhose when absolutely
necessary in order to save money – and that suggestion is from
former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Now I don’t know about
you but me being the politically incorrect person I am, I frankly do not
want to see Albright sans nylons! Let’s all pitch in and buy her
pantyhose so we can avoid that scene! Yikes!
● Go barefoot more – that way you will buy
fewer shoes. And then how about secretly removing paper slippers from
the hospital after your anal leakage and diaper rash treatment!
● See plays for free by volunteering as an
usher – just make sure you wear shoes and panty hose.
● This from Harrison Ford – “Went to the
movies with Calista – bought one adult and one senior citizen ticket and
saved $6”. Guess they thought Calista was his daughter! Wonder if they
watched one of his “Indiana Jones” flicks? Calista, being the youngster
of the duo probably opted for “Toy Story 3”.
● Remove unneeded items from your trunk to
reduce weight and save on fuel – this should be heeded by the Mafia
to let them know that reducing the number of bodies in the trunk to just
one bullet riddled corpse will be a real cost saving!
● Keep condiment packages from restaurants –
why buy your own mustard and ketchup when you can just pocket the
packets from the various carry out restaurants? Or on the other hand,
why not take the table and chairs with you also! And if possible,
shower in the employees’ locker room to really save money!
● Make all your kids wear white socks –
that way you always have spares if there are holes or someone loses
one. Wonder if this works with undergarments too? Everyone in the
household would then have to wear tighty whities!
So there you have it. Some ways to save money from
AARP. Well, it’s time for my monthly shower. Mary and I are showering
together with the rainwater we collected to save money. But I’m still
not comfortable wearing her white undergarments!
>> To read the complete AARP list online –
Click Here
L Bill Kalmar is retired in Lake Orion, Michigan,
and is the former Director of the Michigan Quality Council. He is a
frequent contributor to SeniorJournal.com. His opinions are his own.
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