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Making the Most of Your Time with Grandchildren
Download your copy of
the grandparents credo
By Susan Newman, Ph.D., author
Little Things Mean A Lot: Creating Happy Memories with
Your Grandchildren
 Feb.
27, 2006 - Every grandparent is familiar with the “fly-by” visit: that
short, rushed time spent with grandchild that is closer to a pit stop
than a bonding experience. The shortness of visits is dictated by the
baby’s routine, parents’ hectic schedules, or strained relationships.
You may feel your son- or daughter-in-law short-circuits your visits or
you have a generalized feeling of being intrusive.
Short or aborted
visits are frustrating, but the good news is that the brevity of a
visit, particularly when the children are very young, may have nothing
to do with you.
It’s not your fault
Many parents are hesitant to disrupt strict naptime
and meal schedules, especially those of newborns, infants and toddlers.
“If she misses a nap, or is put to bed much later than her regular
bedtime, she wakes up several times during the night, which is
exhausting to any parent,” says Debbie Migneco, a mother of a 3-year-old
in Jackson, NJ.
Interfering with a grandchild’s schedule, no matter
what his age or how slighted you feel, shows lack of respect for your
adult child and he or she may interpret your untimely visits as a strong
and disparaging message: you don’t believe I am parenting well or know
what I’m doing. Think about it from the parents’ point of view and how
they will feel when you decide at the spur of the moment to drop in.
“It drives me crazy when my parents stop in right
before Brynna’s nap. They want to play with her, I can’t refuse, and I
then have a horrible time getting her down. She’s cranky and stubborn
and my parents leave me to deal with her," says Debra Ortstadt, Michigan
mother of a toddler and five-year-old.
Frequent drop-in visits also have a tendency to be
remembered long after the nap phase passes. Laura Jean Ford, New Jersey
mother of a fourteen-year-old son and twenty-one-year old daughter, can
still recall how her mother-in-law’s unannounced visits made her feel.
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“She would come by, without warning, everyday. It
got so disruptive that after a while I would hide whenever I saw her car
coming down the street. I wouldn’t have minded her visiting if she just
gave me a ‘head’s up’ beforehand,” she says.
You have to respect routines parents have in place
for their children as well as your adult child’s right to privacy. As
your grandchildren age, and naps become a thing of the past, you’ll be
granted more liberties and more time. The Grandparent Credo below will
remind you of your role…and importance.
Best Friend, Favorite Playmate
In the meantime, take advantage of every chance to
connect with your grandchildren. The best part of being a grandparent is
giving- whether it is a material gift or the gift of your time. The
simplest of pleasures will delight both of you and bring you closer
together. There are endless options for creating new memories and a
special bond.
These few suggestions, adapted from “Little Things
Mean A Lot,” build strong connections to grandchildren and are ones
their parents will welcome:
Just Between Us. Adopt a unique “code word,”
usually a silly word or phrase, and repeat it every time you’re
together. The expression will always be associated with you. An
affectionate, clever nickname also works to link you permanently to your
grandchild.
I Have Time. It is not uncommon these days to go
through childhood without playing board games. Cozy up, relax and enjoy
moving your token around the board and helping a grandchild move his.
Classic games like Candy Land and Chutes & Ladders are always
crowd-pleasers among the young set.
And the Award Goes To… Every child likes to be
recognized for his unique qualities or achievements. Purchase special
paper from a local stationary store to make a certificate honoring your
grandchild. Or make a poster, “Great Game, James.”
Taste Sensations. Many parents are too busy to
introduce their children to a variety of foods. Take your grandchild out
for Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian or Mexican food. Prepare unusual
foods together.
Discovery Mission. Take your grandchild on outings
to the zoo, museum or aquarium. If time is a constraint, go for a walk
and point out interesting things along the way.
In the time you have, whatever you do with or for
your grandchildren tells them how important and special they are to
you. To ensure smooth sailing and continued access as they grow,
follow:
The Grandparents Credo
By Susan Newsman, author
● Grandparents give time.
● Grandparents give love.
● Grandparents give gifts.
● Grandparents think big.
● Grandparents are good sports.
● Grandparents are patient and understanding.
● Grandparents are always supportive and enthusiastic.
● Grandparents pass on traditions and share their history.
● Grandparents don’t disagree with parents in front of children.
● Grandparents don’t interfere with the upbringing of grandchildren.
● Grandparents are devoted to their grandchildren.
● Grandparents are fun.
● Grandparents are indispensable.
*Adapted from Little Things Mean A Lot: Creating
Happy Memories With Your Grandchildren
Editor's Note:
We have
provided The Grandparents Credo in an Adobe pdf format that you can
download by clicking here.
Social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D. teaches at
Rutgers University in New Jersey, and is the author of twelve books
What Susan Newman says about herself:
As a social psychologist, for decades I have
focused on relationship and family issues from enriching parent-child
and family connections to reaching a sensible balance between work and
family, from preventing child abduction and alcohol abuse to getting
along better with your parents when you are all adults, and more. The
material for my articles and books comes from extensive interviewing and
evaluation often combined with the studies and findings of other
psychologists, psychiatrists, and related experts. My goal is to provide
readers the most accurate, objective, and useful insights available on
the topic.
I believe conflicts and disturbing problems can be
eased, if not solved, and most relationships improved when people are
willing to make the effort. My books are created and designed to give
you the information and tools to help you succeed in making a better,
happier life for yourself, your children, your parents, partner,
friends, and work colleagues.
Visit Susan’s website:
www.susannewmanphd.com
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